You want Rey Skywalker back. You want someone that I can't be.
[ she wishes that she could. she wishes there were space in her to be everything finn believes her to be and also reconcile this connection she has to ben solo.
but it doesn't feel like she has a choice. they're stuck together. that connection exists whether she wants it or not — and the lonely child on jakku who just wanted someone to love her does want it, that impossible connection. she may not be able to get free of the force bond's implications, but neither can ben leave her like it feels like finn is doing now.
she'd never have said she wanted it more. it still doesn't feel like she does. it just feels like being torn apart. and she understands, then, ben's conflict. he could neither be everything his family wanted for him and true to his nature. finn is her family, and she doesn't feel like she can either.
shutting him out wouldn't change that she had been drawn to him, that it had been true since ahch-to. it wouldn't make her into the shape that she thinks finn wants. she entertains it for a moment anyway, but it's just regressing to the mean. denial. if she wants to make finn understand, then she needs to understand in a way that makes it possible to explain at all. she can't keep avoiding the truth of that pull. she has to confront it. ]
no subject
You want Rey Skywalker back. You want someone that I can't be.
[ she wishes that she could. she wishes there were space in her to be everything finn believes her to be and also reconcile this connection she has to ben solo.
but it doesn't feel like she has a choice. they're stuck together. that connection exists whether she wants it or not — and the lonely child on jakku who just wanted someone to love her does want it, that impossible connection. she may not be able to get free of the force bond's implications, but neither can ben leave her like it feels like finn is doing now.
she'd never have said she wanted it more. it still doesn't feel like she does. it just feels like being torn apart. and she understands, then, ben's conflict. he could neither be everything his family wanted for him and true to his nature. finn is her family, and she doesn't feel like she can either.
shutting him out wouldn't change that she had been drawn to him, that it had been true since ahch-to. it wouldn't make her into the shape that she thinks finn wants. she entertains it for a moment anyway, but it's just regressing to the mean. denial. if she wants to make finn understand, then she needs to understand in a way that makes it possible to explain at all. she can't keep avoiding the truth of that pull. she has to confront it. ]