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It doesn't feel like it, when you say that.
It feels like you're leaving.
[ which makes her feel like she's suffocating because it's just like her parents. ]
It feels like you're leaving.
[ which makes her feel like she's suffocating because it's just like her parents. ]
I'm not leaving. Rey, I've always been here.
[ and he's not just talking about this conversation, or being present for her, although that's part of it. he has been here — for years, since the first day he woke up in one of those paper gowns. her arriving, poe arriving. her disappearing, poe disappearing. both of them coming back again. disappearing again. coming back.
he's been here for all of it. ]
[ and he's not just talking about this conversation, or being present for her, although that's part of it. he has been here — for years, since the first day he woke up in one of those paper gowns. her arriving, poe arriving. her disappearing, poe disappearing. both of them coming back again. disappearing again. coming back.
he's been here for all of it. ]
Just to think.
About the contract. About... what it means.
It's just a lot to think about.
About the contract. About... what it means.
It's just a lot to think about.
I can't stop you.
[ she can't force him to spend time with her. she can't force him to look at her like he used to. all she can do is hurt. ]
[ she can't force him to spend time with her. she can't force him to look at her like he used to. all she can do is hurt. ]
I'm not saying I don't want you around anymore. That's not
But I can't be okay with you choosing to do this with him. I'm not... there, right now.
But I can't be okay with you choosing to do this with him. I'm not... there, right now.
How can you be around me if you can't accept my choices?
It's not rhetorical, Finn. I don't
I haven't done this. I don't understand. I don't know how to do this.
[ where 'do this' is 'have friends.' and she feels nauseous even saying it because she knows that she's the problem because she has never had people and she doesn't know how to weather real interpersonal conflict with them without being afraid that everything and anything could be abandonment. ]
It's not rhetorical, Finn. I don't
I haven't done this. I don't understand. I don't know how to do this.
[ where 'do this' is 'have friends.' and she feels nauseous even saying it because she knows that she's the problem because she has never had people and she doesn't know how to weather real interpersonal conflict with them without being afraid that everything and anything could be abandonment. ]
[ it's a long time before he even says anything in response. ]
Maybe I can't.
[ because he doesn't know how to make her see how this isn't just about them. it's picking someone who hurt him, who's hurt poe. and he knows if he even so much as mentions han or leia it might be going one step too far, but it doesn't make that less true either. ]
Maybe I can't.
[ because he doesn't know how to make her see how this isn't just about them. it's picking someone who hurt him, who's hurt poe. and he knows if he even so much as mentions han or leia it might be going one step too far, but it doesn't make that less true either. ]
You don't want me around.
You want Rey Skywalker back. You want someone that I can't be.
[ she wishes that she could. she wishes there were space in her to be everything finn believes her to be and also reconcile this connection she has to ben solo.
but it doesn't feel like she has a choice. they're stuck together. that connection exists whether she wants it or not — and the lonely child on jakku who just wanted someone to love her does want it, that impossible connection. she may not be able to get free of the force bond's implications, but neither can ben leave her like it feels like finn is doing now.
she'd never have said she wanted it more. it still doesn't feel like she does. it just feels like being torn apart. and she understands, then, ben's conflict. he could neither be everything his family wanted for him and true to his nature. finn is her family, and she doesn't feel like she can either.
shutting him out wouldn't change that she had been drawn to him, that it had been true since ahch-to. it wouldn't make her into the shape that she thinks finn wants. she entertains it for a moment anyway, but it's just regressing to the mean. denial. if she wants to make finn understand, then she needs to understand in a way that makes it possible to explain at all. she can't keep avoiding the truth of that pull. she has to confront it. ]
You want Rey Skywalker back. You want someone that I can't be.
[ she wishes that she could. she wishes there were space in her to be everything finn believes her to be and also reconcile this connection she has to ben solo.
but it doesn't feel like she has a choice. they're stuck together. that connection exists whether she wants it or not — and the lonely child on jakku who just wanted someone to love her does want it, that impossible connection. she may not be able to get free of the force bond's implications, but neither can ben leave her like it feels like finn is doing now.
she'd never have said she wanted it more. it still doesn't feel like she does. it just feels like being torn apart. and she understands, then, ben's conflict. he could neither be everything his family wanted for him and true to his nature. finn is her family, and she doesn't feel like she can either.
shutting him out wouldn't change that she had been drawn to him, that it had been true since ahch-to. it wouldn't make her into the shape that she thinks finn wants. she entertains it for a moment anyway, but it's just regressing to the mean. denial. if she wants to make finn understand, then she needs to understand in a way that makes it possible to explain at all. she can't keep avoiding the truth of that pull. she has to confront it. ]
[ He doesn't respond to her, but only because he ends up being so busy trying to think of what to bring in terms of alcohol, since he doesn't drink all that often and has limited experience in choosing, that by the time he looks at the clock on his device he realizes he's running later than he wanted to be. From there it's a frantic rush through getting dressed in the underwear she'd bought him — he's been keeping it in the box it came in — and then throwing on regular clothes over it, a dark blue henley and a pair of jeans, over which he dons that same leather jacket he always wears.
He manages to actually be on time to getting to her house, knocking on the front door right at 7 with a bottle of wine gripped in his other hand. Technically, it's not his favorite, but he'd panicked and grabbed the first thing he could find out of a desire not to be late to being here.
When the door opens, though, he does his best to be calm as he greets her, tilting his chin down, gaze taking her in for a moment. ] Hey.
He manages to actually be on time to getting to her house, knocking on the front door right at 7 with a bottle of wine gripped in his other hand. Technically, it's not his favorite, but he'd panicked and grabbed the first thing he could find out of a desire not to be late to being here.
When the door opens, though, he does his best to be calm as he greets her, tilting his chin down, gaze taking her in for a moment. ] Hey.
[ it was never her intention to make him nervous enough to consider something late, exactly, but she's glad he's come. the wine was unnecessary, but she smiles when she sees him holding it and bites her lower lip as she does so. ]
Come in. [ she nods with her head, the way he's looking at her making her warm already. ] The bedroom's upstairs.
Come in. [ she nods with her head, the way he's looking at her making her warm already. ] The bedroom's upstairs.
I never said that.
Rey, I know the truth. About your past, about who your parents were. You told me. Or... you will tell me. I'm not sure how much of it aligns with what you remember, but who you are has nothing to do with this.
I care about you. [ he almost types something else and then backspaces at the last second. ] I always will. But what you're doing, what you're choosing to do, I can't support that. I'm sorry.
[ it's as close as he can get to admitting right now that he's from a certain point in their lives. he's already had doubts over whether he should have told her anything about what transpired from when she — the other rey, still her in a sense — had been here before. still questioning whether it was even the right thing to do. to fill her head with thoughts about a life she'd technically never lived herself. it's like he'd told her — he hadn't wanted to be unfair to her, make her feel any kind of weight of expectation pressing down on her. like she had to fit herself into the situation they'd all had before.
he hasn't talked to poe much about it, but he knows he's hurting too — just more quietly, shoving it down and trying not to think about it much rather than expressing anything out loud.
but it's hard. it's hard for finn to sit here, holding onto the last memory he has from home, the three of them clutching onto each other, the heat of tears pinpricking in his vision, and weighing it against... this. ]
Rey, I know the truth. About your past, about who your parents were. You told me. Or... you will tell me. I'm not sure how much of it aligns with what you remember, but who you are has nothing to do with this.
I care about you. [ he almost types something else and then backspaces at the last second. ] I always will. But what you're doing, what you're choosing to do, I can't support that. I'm sorry.
[ it's as close as he can get to admitting right now that he's from a certain point in their lives. he's already had doubts over whether he should have told her anything about what transpired from when she — the other rey, still her in a sense — had been here before. still questioning whether it was even the right thing to do. to fill her head with thoughts about a life she'd technically never lived herself. it's like he'd told her — he hadn't wanted to be unfair to her, make her feel any kind of weight of expectation pressing down on her. like she had to fit herself into the situation they'd all had before.
he hasn't talked to poe much about it, but he knows he's hurting too — just more quietly, shoving it down and trying not to think about it much rather than expressing anything out loud.
but it's hard. it's hard for finn to sit here, holding onto the last memory he has from home, the three of them clutching onto each other, the heat of tears pinpricking in his vision, and weighing it against... this. ]
Edited 2021-02-24 16:09 (UTC)
I'm not asking you to support it, Finn.
I'm asking you to believe that I need to
I need to figure this out.
[ isn't that different? she wouldn't say she supports it either. if she did, she wouldn't have hidden it, wouldn't feel so conflicted. but it hardly feels like a choice when she is thus compelled by it, and when it's inescapable, and so deeply tied up in her history.
but even as she makes her plea — and it is a plea, because she can feel him slipping through her fingers and her defensive outburst was only fear of this exact situation — she already knows it's going to fall on deaf ears.
he can't be around her if she can't explain herself. and she can't let go of this. ]
I wish I could make you understand.
I'm asking you to believe that I need to
I need to figure this out.
[ isn't that different? she wouldn't say she supports it either. if she did, she wouldn't have hidden it, wouldn't feel so conflicted. but it hardly feels like a choice when she is thus compelled by it, and when it's inescapable, and so deeply tied up in her history.
but even as she makes her plea — and it is a plea, because she can feel him slipping through her fingers and her defensive outburst was only fear of this exact situation — she already knows it's going to fall on deaf ears.
he can't be around her if she can't explain herself. and she can't let go of this. ]
I wish I could make you understand.
I want to. Believe me, I do.
[ he's fully cognizant of the fact that whatever relationship she and kylo ren have, his understanding is never going to be able to scratch the surface of that. he's felt that, he's always felt that to a deeper extent, even if maybe part of him didn't want to admit it. and it's something he feels uniquely attuned to just be the very nature of what he is able to sense, on a level different from most.
but he also remembers the one and only time his path had crossed with kylo ren's in this city. and he doesn't have to reach very far to guess about what would happen if their paths crossed again. ]
Are you going to tell Poe?
[ he's fully cognizant of the fact that whatever relationship she and kylo ren have, his understanding is never going to be able to scratch the surface of that. he's felt that, he's always felt that to a deeper extent, even if maybe part of him didn't want to admit it. and it's something he feels uniquely attuned to just be the very nature of what he is able to sense, on a level different from most.
but he also remembers the one and only time his path had crossed with kylo ren's in this city. and he doesn't have to reach very far to guess about what would happen if their paths crossed again. ]
Are you going to tell Poe?
Oh. So it's right up to the...
[ The response partially dies in his throat when his gaze sweeps over her, dropping low; it's honestly kind of impressive, the way he towers over her a little while she manages to make him feel two feet tall just from the presence she exudes. ]
Bedroom. [ He finally finishes the sentence out loud, but the word leaves him a little more hoarse, and he instinctively clears his throat. ]
[ The response partially dies in his throat when his gaze sweeps over her, dropping low; it's honestly kind of impressive, the way he towers over her a little while she manages to make him feel two feet tall just from the presence she exudes. ]
Bedroom. [ He finally finishes the sentence out loud, but the word leaves him a little more hoarse, and he instinctively clears his throat. ]
I hadn't planned on it.
[ while she doesn't quite say 'he's your friend, not mine,' the sentiment seems to linger there. poe has been kind to her and she understands they have some history too. but it's so distinct from the reluctant cooperation that she's used to, while finn tugs between the two of them, that it honestly hadn't occurred to her.
that, and he'd barely spoken to her here. there's probably a connection. she had chosen not to think too hard on it. ]
[ while she doesn't quite say 'he's your friend, not mine,' the sentiment seems to linger there. poe has been kind to her and she understands they have some history too. but it's so distinct from the reluctant cooperation that she's used to, while finn tugs between the two of them, that it honestly hadn't occurred to her.
that, and he'd barely spoken to her here. there's probably a connection. she had chosen not to think too hard on it. ]
Okay.
[ which means it's up to him, although for once he's not only thinking about it from a contract standpoint. if anyone out of the group deserves to know that kylo ren is in duplicity, it's poe. finn's still not sure the extent of what had happened when he'd been captured; he just knows there's no love lost there. ]
I'll do it.
[ which means it's up to him, although for once he's not only thinking about it from a contract standpoint. if anyone out of the group deserves to know that kylo ren is in duplicity, it's poe. finn's still not sure the extent of what had happened when he'd been captured; he just knows there's no love lost there. ]
I'll do it.
Thanks.
[ she can't do another one of these. she really can't. she feels fragile, on the cusp of breaking, because her vision is tunneling from the surreality of knowing that there's this divide between her and finn. the lonely feeling left behind in it scares her. ]
I'll steer clear, if that's what you need.
I'm so sorry.
[ she can't do another one of these. she really can't. she feels fragile, on the cusp of breaking, because her vision is tunneling from the surreality of knowing that there's this divide between her and finn. the lonely feeling left behind in it scares her. ]
I'll steer clear, if that's what you need.
I'm so sorry.
[ what he'll see as his gaze moves over her is a black robe. long. tied at the waist. it's nothing special, not fluffy at all, but sleek. it covers all the right parts, but it's comfortable enough to wear around the house if, say, someone were to come to the door.
the way he stammers is so very him that it draws a smile from her. ]
Unless you'd rather sit and talk first? We can catch up.
[ eyes wide with innocence now, she motions toward the living room as if she's made a mistake. an assumption about what he's doing there. ]
the way he stammers is so very him that it draws a smile from her. ]
Unless you'd rather sit and talk first? We can catch up.
[ eyes wide with innocence now, she motions toward the living room as if she's made a mistake. an assumption about what he's doing there. ]
No, no, that's —
[ He's very quick to protest the idea, which definitely betrays his level of interest, although it hadn't taken him very long — basically as soon as she'd opened the door to him wearing that — to start thinking about the reasons she'd invited him over here.
Truthfully, he would just sit in the living room and talk with her if that's what she wanted. He's probably made it clear enough in all of their interactions that he'll follow her lead, whatever call she wants to make here.
Right now, his gaze is darting between her and the entrance to the living room, and before he can think to question it he steps in, his free hand sliding across the curve of her hip. ]
I wore them. Your... gift.
[ He's very quick to protest the idea, which definitely betrays his level of interest, although it hadn't taken him very long — basically as soon as she'd opened the door to him wearing that — to start thinking about the reasons she'd invited him over here.
Truthfully, he would just sit in the living room and talk with her if that's what she wanted. He's probably made it clear enough in all of their interactions that he'll follow her lead, whatever call she wants to make here.
Right now, his gaze is darting between her and the entrance to the living room, and before he can think to question it he steps in, his free hand sliding across the curve of her hip. ]
I wore them. Your... gift.
[ any sense of triumph that she feels at his immediate protest is hidden behind a raised eyebrow and a tender smile. she adores finn, she really does, and she's glad that he's there for her in her most needed times and when she's feeling playful - like now. but when he steps closer and actually takes the initiative to touch her, she inhales deeply and raises her gaze to his. ]
Did you.
[ she breathes it and it's less a question than a statement, her hand moving to the closure at the front of his pants but doing nothing with it. ]
I cannot wait to see them.
Did you.
[ she breathes it and it's less a question than a statement, her hand moving to the closure at the front of his pants but doing nothing with it. ]
I cannot wait to see them.
Oh, did you want me to — right now?
[ His voice drops to a lower volume, but it's also deeper too, now that she's closer, close enough for him to lean in and inhale the scent of her hair when he tips his head down to look at where her hand is. Suddenly, he wishes he didn't have this wine bottle in his other hand, that he had both free to reach for her, but the one that isn't carrying anything slips around from her hip to rest at the small of her back. ]
Right here?
[ On a bold whim, he presses his hand on her to guide her in against him, but it's a gentle pressure; she could easily break it if she wants to, but he's hoping she doesn't, especially since he's already leaning down in search of her mouth. ]
[ His voice drops to a lower volume, but it's also deeper too, now that she's closer, close enough for him to lean in and inhale the scent of her hair when he tips his head down to look at where her hand is. Suddenly, he wishes he didn't have this wine bottle in his other hand, that he had both free to reach for her, but the one that isn't carrying anything slips around from her hip to rest at the small of her back. ]
Right here?
[ On a bold whim, he presses his hand on her to guide her in against him, but it's a gentle pressure; she could easily break it if she wants to, but he's hoping she doesn't, especially since he's already leaning down in search of her mouth. ]
[ in a way, finn is already restricted by the wine bottle, his hand tied by being forced to hang onto it. but the way he always seems so nervous isn't something qi'ra's sure she should appreciate or soothe, but then his voice drops and she bites her lip as his hold on her tightens.
he's good at that. that kind of kiss that's all encompassing and full. she gives in, all sweetness, as it deepens. she doesn't mean for him to drop trou in her front hallway, wanting to take him upstairs and let him get undressed for her, but she's never been one to keep her hands to herself. to that end, she lets her fingernails skate over the front of his pants and gives a little moan. ]
he's good at that. that kind of kiss that's all encompassing and full. she gives in, all sweetness, as it deepens. she doesn't mean for him to drop trou in her front hallway, wanting to take him upstairs and let him get undressed for her, but she's never been one to keep her hands to herself. to that end, she lets her fingernails skate over the front of his pants and gives a little moan. ]
[ It always takes him a second to find more of his confidence again, with her, but for some reason it usually happens when he finally kisses her for that first time, when he's reminded all over again that she wants him just as much; the first taste he gets of her mouth is something heady and familiar, and from then on he's assured enough to take the lead on kissing her too, exhaling softly when she gives voice to that little sound.
He's already starting to twitch harder in his pants, there's no avoiding that, especially not when she gives him the light graze of her nails through the fabric, and he has this sudden and intense mental image that she could probably just lead him around the house with a hand right on his cock if she wanted and he'd go readily, gladly. Instead, he breaks the kiss for a second, impulse seizing him again, for his hand to encircle her wrist, skimming up to the back of her hand until he can guide her palm to where he's beginning to fill out the material. ] You feel this? What you're doing to me?
He's already starting to twitch harder in his pants, there's no avoiding that, especially not when she gives him the light graze of her nails through the fabric, and he has this sudden and intense mental image that she could probably just lead him around the house with a hand right on his cock if she wanted and he'd go readily, gladly. Instead, he breaks the kiss for a second, impulse seizing him again, for his hand to encircle her wrist, skimming up to the back of her hand until he can guide her palm to where he's beginning to fill out the material. ] You feel this? What you're doing to me?
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