[ The relaxed moments where they just wrap themselves around each other, pressing into slow, lazy kisses and idle caresses, mean just as much to Poe as anything they do when they're eagerly stripping off clothes and going at it like a couple of horny teenagers. He'd thought that he was past that stage, but being with Finn has made him feel all kinds of new things. It's still different now, he's all about the intimacy wherever they get it, whether it's this or just clasped hands and leaning against each other or much more intense expressions of how they feel about each other. So it's not really any surprise that he's intensely regretful that he can't just soak in all of this sorely needed affection and love and relief.
He can't hide it though, can he? Finn's always been able to see straight through his attempts, weak as they usually are, at acting like nothing's on his mind, sometimes he's just considerate enough not to press the issue, typically preferring to wait until Poe comes around on his own. And it always happens, sooner or later, because he's that bad at keeping anything bottled up for long. And he's terrible at letting anything go.
It's not good. Finn can probably guess as much from the way Poe's eyes only meet his for a couple of seconds before they're closing, and he sighs. He's not letting go, not by a long shot, but he's got a sinking feeling that he might have to, despite it being the last thing he wants to do right now.
Better just to get it out. It's not going to get any easier. ]
What you saw in the mirror, he was here while you were trapped over there.
[ The mirror thing makes more sense now. It really was a reflection that was completely reversed, taking everything that makes Finn Finn and twisting it beyond recognition. ]
[ It's beyond appealing to think about the possibility of just losing himself in this for a few hours, reminding himself of everything he'd been fighting to get back to the whole time he was stuck in a world he knew he didn't belong in. But he can't shove aside the reality that he's presented with when Poe starts looking like that, something almost like exhaustion laden in his features. He's not going to ignore the truth that seems to be hovering been them, making the air feel heavier than it really is. He can't press forward and pretend that nothing's wrong.
And he gets all the confirmation he needs that his instincts are correct when Poe sighs like that, eyes drifting shut; he props himself up onto one elbow, leaning in close with a frown. They're still mostly linked, threaded together, and he can practically feel every line of tension traveling through Poe's frame, everything he's still holding in. It's just now dawning on him that whatever this is has been weighing on Poe the entire time and this is the first chance he's really been close enough to even pick up on it. ]
You mean that — wait. You saw him?
[ Almost immediately he's conflicted about the idea that Poe would have seen someone who had looked like him but very obviously wasn't him, let alone interacted with him — and he can't explain why the idea of that leaves him unsettled too, but he's not relinquishing what hold he has on Poe now, fingers lightly curling around his wrist. ]
I didn't even think about the possibility that he could've been here the entire time, but I was looking for a way to get back and then it was like I found him all of a sudden.
[ Seeing the look on Finn's face makes it difficult to remember why it's so important to tell him this in the first place. Poe has to remind himself, again, of how he would feel if their positions were reversed. He wouldn't want Finn to have to deal with it on his own, and even if he wanted to write all of that off as a bad dream, it happened. He might not even be the only one who remembers it. It's probably likely that at least a few people in the Down will recognize Finn's face now after the very public spectacle they made out of that confrontation. But at least it hadn't been in one of the Up neighborhoods, where that kind of flagrant attack on a Dominant wouldn't go unreported. As it is, he figures Finn might be getting some odd looks from strangers on the street, at the very least.
He also wonders, considering Finn's tone, if he's feeling a bit of the same kind of thing that he felt when he realized that he's been here before. Thinking too much about alternate timelines and different universes still gives him a headache, but it did boil down to an unease over the whole thing. And that had been with a different 'him' who seemed normal.
This is different. ]
Yeah. We didn't get along very well.
[ His tone is dry, it's obviously that he's not intentionally trying to downplay it. This is the kind of 'not getting along' that he would use in reference to the likes of the First Order. Which, yeah, not a coincidence. He's propped up on an elbow to face Finn now, settling his hand lightly against Finn's cheek, fingers splayed out across his jaw. He hates this, but he definitely can't leave it there now. ]
Finn, I don't know how any of this happened or why, but you should know that he might have had your face, but he wasn't you. I mean, not even in some kind of weird 'we never escaped from the First Order' way. He was... [ And there's another sigh, frustration at trying to find the right words. ] He was just a different person who happened to look like you, and nothing that he did here is your fault.
[ Does he need to mention how deeply disturbing it was to deal with someone so cold with what looked like the same face he's touching fondly now? Maybe not. ]
[ And as reluctant as he is to tear himself away from all of this, the comfort that he feels from even just getting to touch and be touched — it's a simple thing and one that most people probably don't even think about, but something he'd gone without for so long throughout most of his life and now doesn't take for granted any time he gets to have it — he's still sitting up to mull over everything Poe's saying to him right now, drawing his knees up toward himself and resting his forearms on them. ]
Part of me knows that what everything you're saying has got to be true, but then — he was me. I felt it from him, on the other side, when I knew what I had to do in order to get out. He's... if I made one decision, or even a handful of decisions, any differently than I did. I could've been him.
[ And that's what unnerves him most of all, the fact that the scales could have tipped in the opposite direction at any time and he could have become the person who never escaped from all of that. It's an unsettling thought to have, especially when he realizes that this doppelganger, this other version of himself, encountered Poe to some degree. With a jerk, he turns to face the other man. ]
Did he hurt you? He didn't — if anything happened to you and I wasn't here to stop it — [ The apology is already in his expression, even if he's not saying it out loud just yet. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
He can't hide it though, can he? Finn's always been able to see straight through his attempts, weak as they usually are, at acting like nothing's on his mind, sometimes he's just considerate enough not to press the issue, typically preferring to wait until Poe comes around on his own. And it always happens, sooner or later, because he's that bad at keeping anything bottled up for long. And he's terrible at letting anything go.
It's not good. Finn can probably guess as much from the way Poe's eyes only meet his for a couple of seconds before they're closing, and he sighs. He's not letting go, not by a long shot, but he's got a sinking feeling that he might have to, despite it being the last thing he wants to do right now.
Better just to get it out. It's not going to get any easier. ]
What you saw in the mirror, he was here while you were trapped over there.
[ The mirror thing makes more sense now. It really was a reflection that was completely reversed, taking everything that makes Finn Finn and twisting it beyond recognition. ]
no subject
And he gets all the confirmation he needs that his instincts are correct when Poe sighs like that, eyes drifting shut; he props himself up onto one elbow, leaning in close with a frown. They're still mostly linked, threaded together, and he can practically feel every line of tension traveling through Poe's frame, everything he's still holding in. It's just now dawning on him that whatever this is has been weighing on Poe the entire time and this is the first chance he's really been close enough to even pick up on it. ]
You mean that — wait. You saw him?
[ Almost immediately he's conflicted about the idea that Poe would have seen someone who had looked like him but very obviously wasn't him, let alone interacted with him — and he can't explain why the idea of that leaves him unsettled too, but he's not relinquishing what hold he has on Poe now, fingers lightly curling around his wrist. ]
I didn't even think about the possibility that he could've been here the entire time, but I was looking for a way to get back and then it was like I found him all of a sudden.
no subject
He also wonders, considering Finn's tone, if he's feeling a bit of the same kind of thing that he felt when he realized that he's been here before. Thinking too much about alternate timelines and different universes still gives him a headache, but it did boil down to an unease over the whole thing. And that had been with a different 'him' who seemed normal.
This is different. ]
Yeah. We didn't get along very well.
[ His tone is dry, it's obviously that he's not intentionally trying to downplay it. This is the kind of 'not getting along' that he would use in reference to the likes of the First Order. Which, yeah, not a coincidence. He's propped up on an elbow to face Finn now, settling his hand lightly against Finn's cheek, fingers splayed out across his jaw. He hates this, but he definitely can't leave it there now. ]
Finn, I don't know how any of this happened or why, but you should know that he might have had your face, but he wasn't you. I mean, not even in some kind of weird 'we never escaped from the First Order' way. He was... [ And there's another sigh, frustration at trying to find the right words. ] He was just a different person who happened to look like you, and nothing that he did here is your fault.
[ Does he need to mention how deeply disturbing it was to deal with someone so cold with what looked like the same face he's touching fondly now? Maybe not. ]
no subject
[ And as reluctant as he is to tear himself away from all of this, the comfort that he feels from even just getting to touch and be touched — it's a simple thing and one that most people probably don't even think about, but something he'd gone without for so long throughout most of his life and now doesn't take for granted any time he gets to have it — he's still sitting up to mull over everything Poe's saying to him right now, drawing his knees up toward himself and resting his forearms on them. ]
Part of me knows that what everything you're saying has got to be true, but then — he was me. I felt it from him, on the other side, when I knew what I had to do in order to get out. He's... if I made one decision, or even a handful of decisions, any differently than I did. I could've been him.
[ And that's what unnerves him most of all, the fact that the scales could have tipped in the opposite direction at any time and he could have become the person who never escaped from all of that. It's an unsettling thought to have, especially when he realizes that this doppelganger, this other version of himself, encountered Poe to some degree. With a jerk, he turns to face the other man. ]
Did he hurt you? He didn't — if anything happened to you and I wasn't here to stop it — [ The apology is already in his expression, even if he's not saying it out loud just yet. ]