I haven't done that much looking, but based on what I've heard a lot of it is pretty organized. There are categories. For things, you know. Kinks that people might be into watching specifically.
[ basically, yes. ]
Me?
A lot of things, but... taking care of someone else ahead of myself, sometimes. Kind of purposefully denying. If that makes sense.
[ but she'll start with what she recognizes, if she can find anything like that. or she'll go through the recommended section. there could be worse plans. ]
You should have someone take care of you, too. You took very good care of me.
If you need help looking through it, we could do that together too.
[ maybe it wouldn't even feel weird??? ]
I do like that too. Being taken care of. It doesn't always come naturally to me, but if that's also something you want to learn how to do, we could. Do that.
[ it feels very clinical in how he's trying to suggest it, but basically rey should just consider him available for all her experimentation needs. ]
If they're terrible, at least we can critique them together.
[ so far, she's not impressed. she's also trying to not think too much about her involuntary reflex to shift in bed while scrolling through the various preview clips, legs pressing together and then releasing. ]
I would like to take care of you too. And not just because of a quota.
[ and might help with the whole strangeness factor — though he hasn't factored in what might happen when they inevitably stumble across a vid of something they both like. ]
It's never going to be about that for me. Not with us. But I want to make sure you never end up having to worry about it, either.
Maybe I should wait to look these over until we're together then.
[ even if she's already clicking one open, curiosity as always getting the better of her. it isn't much, hardly a hair past vanilla as far as all the possibilities are concerned, but the opening alone of two people kissing without a care in the world still twists something low in her stomach.
she has to click away before she gets too distracted. before a strange sense of guilt wedges into her peripheral, as if doing this alone isn't quite what she's supposed to do.
it helps that there's a warmth that comes with his follow-up, his gentle acknowledgement that he wasn't just showing her how and then leaving her to her own devices, that he wants to be with her in that way for his own sake, too. he's said as much, but it's nice to see the reminder in black and white. ]
I want that too. I would rather choose, if I can, than be forced into anything because I have to do it.
You don't have to wait. Is there anything you think you might like?
[ because she'd asked him, and he's realizing in that moment that he hasn't really asked her that question either apart from the obvious, what they'd already found their way through before.
but he also doesn't want her to think that she can't do this without him at all, either. that she isn't entitled to some independence as far as educating herself is concerned. ]
That's kind of what I had to figure out. Sometimes this city likes to affect us in different ways, and it might seem like you don't have a choice then. But you can always come and find me if anything happens. If you need help and you don't want to rely on a stranger.
[ that's the extent of her preferences at the moment, so far as she understands them. she's still learning what feels good, still trying to understand the responses her body gives.
but that isn't the full answer, and while rey has managed to keep some things to herself — like exogol, and all that's come in between finn's time here and her own arrival — there are others she just doesn't feel good about keeping secret. ]
I ran into something like that. A collection of perfumes. But it didn't make me do anything I didn't want to do. At least, I don't think I didn't want to do it. Now I'm not sure, though.
[ technically, it isn't what he asked, but he knows she's still learning things pretty much as she goes, and at this point, if she approached him with an idea for something specific, it really wouldn't take much convincing on her part to get him to participate. ]
Oh, I heard about those floating around. Nothing that hit me specifically, but I heard there was sort of a variety of different effects depending on what you might have gotten sprayed with.
[ and cinnamon, but how much of that had been the fragrance and how much of that had just been the way poe always smelled to her was still a mystery. spice ran deep. ]
How do you know whether it's an effect or not? Because I still felt like myself, even if it was different than before.
[ rey makes a face. this is more complicated than she'd expected it to be. she'd hoped finn would have an easy answer. ]
[ it's a complicated question, and one he's mulled over himself plenty of times while he's been here. ] Well, sometimes, if it's an aphrodisiac, it can feel like you're running a fever. Like you have this heat burning inside you and there's only one way to make it stop. But it's not always like that. Apparently there was one that just made people want to go around hugging other people.
No, usually the effects wear off in a few hours as long as you're not still using it. Or eating it. Or touching it, or however they try to slip things to us.
[ but that had been true, too. she'd just stumbled out of a place that made more sense, her emotions on overdrive as her mind tried to make sense of everything that was going on — and when poe had wrapped his arms around her, she'd sunk into it, let that hug bolster her the way it had when she'd touched down on ajan kloss in luke's old x-wing, let it block out all the strangeness and misery until all that mattered was them.
and then it had just felt natural, hadn't it? to let one touch bleed into another, and then another, and to follow the path of least resistance until they were both too far gone to stop. and she hadn't wanted to stop, either. not then...
and not now. which was the part she was struggling with the most. ]
I've ruined things, haven't I? He must have been under one of those effects. That's the only thing that makes sense.
[ looks like someone needs to be filled in on some recent goings-on that he wasn't actually present for. ]
Poe was affected too?
[ if that's the case, then it's understandable; it's not like finn himself hasn't been in that position more than once and forced to awkwardly parse through things later, after the side effects have worn off. in the same breath, though, there's a strange feeling in the pit of his stomach at the idea of the two of them, together, and what's even stranger is that it doesn't feel like jealousy.
it's more like... envy. like he's disappointed he wasn't there too. ]
He didn't say anything about it. But he might not even have known it if he was. The effects come on pretty strong sometimes.
I hugged him. Or he hugged me, I'm not entirely sure which anymore. But I kissed him, I remember that.
[ that seems important to point out, for some reason. that rey decided to do it, even if she's still not entirely sure why she did. why then? what about that moment, beyond the cloud of scent around her? ]
And then someone ran into us, so he offered to show me his apartment, and —
[ huh. ]
I don't remember whether I kissed him first there or not.
[ finn... that's not helping... ]
How am I supposed to ask him if he wanted me to keep kissing him or not?!
[ it had been different, but no less important than opening herself up to finn. if anything, it had felt like a natural extension of their relationship — in the same way that being with finn had been reaffirming, warm and supportive and devotional, being with poe had been a push-and-shove, give-and-take. they'd worked each other up until there was only one possible way down.
but it wasn't her regret that felt like ice in her veins. ]
Look, if there's one thing I know about Poe, it's that you can rarely talk him into doing anything he doesn't want to.
[ and obviously he doesn't know the specifics of what had gone down between them, but he's already starting to fill in the blanks pretty well all on his own. ]
Even if he was affected by the same thing you were. Chances are that was only part of it.
[ they both know how stubborn he can be, and that stubbornness goes both ways, whether it's being made to do something or being told he can't. ]
Oh, so you
[ it's one thing to suspect it, but it's another thing entirely to have it confirmed. ] Maybe you should just... say it that way. I tried to warn him about as much as I could when he showed up, so he already had a sense that something like that could affect him.
[ every new piece of information seems to send her through a loop. if he'd known, then, that there was the possibility of something to manipulate them into doing something, wouldn't he have told her? he'd always been able to stand up to her, even when she was at the height of a stubborn fit — surely this would be no different.
now she can't help but feel more confused. ]
Okay. Okay, I'll ask him. And if he's angry he'll be in the Up and not here.
I'm not going to pretend to know what he's thinking, but I don't think he's angry.
[ he'd be able to tell on his end if something was up, wouldn't he? and they've already had the conversation about not keeping things from each other, especially not here when so much of this is unfamiliar and stressful enough to get through. they don't need to be adding to it if they can help it. ]
Even if it was an aphro, chances are
The chances are he already wanted to. Even just a little bit.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ basically, yes. ]
Me?
A lot of things, but... taking care of someone else ahead of myself, sometimes. Kind of purposefully denying. If that makes sense.
no subject
[ but she'll start with what she recognizes, if she can find anything like that. or she'll go through the recommended section. there could be worse plans. ]
You should have someone take care of you, too. You took very good care of me.
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[ maybe it wouldn't even feel weird??? ]
I do like that too. Being taken care of. It doesn't always come naturally to me, but if that's also something you want to learn how to do, we could. Do that.
[ it feels very clinical in how he's trying to suggest it, but basically rey should just consider him available for all her experimentation needs. ]
no subject
[ so far, she's not impressed. she's also trying to not think too much about her involuntary reflex to shift in bed while scrolling through the various preview clips, legs pressing together and then releasing. ]
I would like to take care of you too. And not just because of a quota.
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[ and might help with the whole strangeness factor — though he hasn't factored in what might happen when they inevitably stumble across a vid of something they both like. ]
It's never going to be about that for me. Not with us. But I want to make sure you never end up having to worry about it, either.
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[ even if she's already clicking one open, curiosity as always getting the better of her. it isn't much, hardly a hair past vanilla as far as all the possibilities are concerned, but the opening alone of two people kissing without a care in the world still twists something low in her stomach.
she has to click away before she gets too distracted. before a strange sense of guilt wedges into her peripheral, as if doing this alone isn't quite what she's supposed to do.
it helps that there's a warmth that comes with his follow-up, his gentle acknowledgement that he wasn't just showing her how and then leaving her to her own devices, that he wants to be with her in that way for his own sake, too. he's said as much, but it's nice to see the reminder in black and white. ]
I want that too.
I would rather choose, if I can, than be forced into anything because I have to do it.
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[ because she'd asked him, and he's realizing in that moment that he hasn't really asked her that question either apart from the obvious, what they'd already found their way through before.
but he also doesn't want her to think that she can't do this without him at all, either. that she isn't entitled to some independence as far as educating herself is concerned. ]
That's kind of what I had to figure out. Sometimes this city likes to affect us in different ways, and it might seem like you don't have a choice then. But you can always come and find me if anything happens. If you need help and you don't want to rely on a stranger.
no subject
[ that's the extent of her preferences at the moment, so far as she understands them. she's still learning what feels good, still trying to understand the responses her body gives.
but that isn't the full answer, and while rey has managed to keep some things to herself — like exogol, and all that's come in between finn's time here and her own arrival — there are others she just doesn't feel good about keeping secret. ]
I ran into something like that. A collection of perfumes.
But it didn't make me do anything I didn't want to do. At least, I don't think I didn't want to do it. Now I'm not sure, though.
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[ technically, it isn't what he asked, but he knows she's still learning things pretty much as she goes, and at this point, if she approached him with an idea for something specific, it really wouldn't take much convincing on her part to get him to participate. ]
Oh, I heard about those floating around. Nothing that hit me specifically, but I heard there was sort of a variety of different effects depending on what you might have gotten sprayed with.
Wait. Did something happen? Are you okay?
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[ and cinnamon, but how much of that had been the fragrance and how much of that had just been the way poe always smelled to her was still a mystery. spice ran deep. ]
How do you know whether it's an effect or not?
Because I still felt like myself, even if it was different than before.
[ rey makes a face. this is more complicated than she'd expected it to be. she'd hoped finn would have an easy answer. ]
Would it still be an effect now?
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[ it's a complicated question, and one he's mulled over himself plenty of times while he's been here. ] Well, sometimes, if it's an aphrodisiac, it can feel like you're running a fever. Like you have this heat burning inside you and there's only one way to make it stop. But it's not always like that. Apparently there was one that just made people want to go around hugging other people.
No, usually the effects wear off in a few hours as long as you're not still using it. Or eating it. Or touching it, or however they try to slip things to us.
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[ but that had been true, too. she'd just stumbled out of a place that made more sense, her emotions on overdrive as her mind tried to make sense of everything that was going on — and when poe had wrapped his arms around her, she'd sunk into it, let that hug bolster her the way it had when she'd touched down on ajan kloss in luke's old x-wing, let it block out all the strangeness and misery until all that mattered was them.
and then it had just felt natural, hadn't it? to let one touch bleed into another, and then another, and to follow the path of least resistance until they were both too far gone to stop. and she hadn't wanted to stop, either. not then...
and not now. which was the part she was struggling with the most. ]
I've ruined things, haven't I?
He must have been under one of those effects. That's the only thing that makes sense.
[ rey you are so dumb ]
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[ looks like someone needs to be filled in on some recent goings-on that he wasn't actually present for. ]
Poe was affected too?
[ if that's the case, then it's understandable; it's not like finn himself hasn't been in that position more than once and forced to awkwardly parse through things later, after the side effects have worn off. in the same breath, though, there's a strange feeling in the pit of his stomach at the idea of the two of them, together, and what's even stranger is that it doesn't feel like jealousy.
it's more like... envy. like he's disappointed he wasn't there too. ]
He didn't say anything about it. But he might not even have known it if he was. The effects come on pretty strong sometimes.
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[ that seems important to point out, for some reason. that rey decided to do it, even if she's still not entirely sure why she did. why then? what about that moment, beyond the cloud of scent around her? ]
And then someone ran into us, so he offered to show me his apartment, and —
[ huh. ]
I don't remember whether I kissed him first there or not.
[ finn... that's not helping... ]
How am I supposed to ask him if he wanted me to keep kissing him or not?!
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I think if he hadn't wanted you to, he would've said something.
[ is that... helpful? ]
Even if he was under the influence of the same thing you were.
[ which, again, he didn't mention. ]
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I could also just never bring it up ever again. That would also be fine.
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You don't regret it, do you?
[ finn is mostly just like internally ????? ]
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[ it had been different, but no less important than opening herself up to finn. if anything, it had felt like a natural extension of their relationship — in the same way that being with finn had been reaffirming, warm and supportive and devotional, being with poe had been a push-and-shove, give-and-take. they'd worked each other up until there was only one possible way down.
but it wasn't her regret that felt like ice in her veins. ]
But I couldn't take it if he did.
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[ and obviously he doesn't know the specifics of what had gone down between them, but he's already starting to fill in the blanks pretty well all on his own. ]
Even if he was affected by the same thing you were. Chances are that was only part of it.
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[ it does make her feel one percent better to tease him behind his back. ]
I know I need to talk to him. I just don't know what to say. "Did an aphrodisiac make you want to have sex with me" is a little ridiculous.
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[ they both know how stubborn he can be, and that stubbornness goes both ways, whether it's being made to do something or being told he can't. ]
Oh, so you
[ it's one thing to suspect it, but it's another thing entirely to have it confirmed. ] Maybe you should just... say it that way. I tried to warn him about as much as I could when he showed up, so he already had a sense that something like that could affect him.
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now she can't help but feel more confused. ]
Okay. Okay, I'll ask him.
And if he's angry he'll be in the Up and not here.
[ and she can ... deal with it. ]
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[ he'd be able to tell on his end if something was up, wouldn't he? and they've already had the conversation about not keeping things from each other, especially not here when so much of this is unfamiliar and stressful enough to get through. they don't need to be adding to it if they can help it. ]
Even if it was an aphro, chances are
The chances are he already wanted to. Even just a little bit.
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[ but she still feels a little nauseous all the same. force have mercy on her. ]
Still makes me want to jump off a building rather than have to have this conversation, though.