At the apartment, I — I sort of woke up in the bathroom. In front of the mirror.
[ the same mirror he'd been sucked into at the start, although he's still trying to deal with the fact that everything is so bright here, and vivid. like someone's turned all the lights on again. he'll be sitting at the foot of his bed by the time poe even arrives, one hand lightly rubbing over the top of his head as he leans forward to try and get his bearings again, half-dressed with his arms resting on his knees.
slowly, he gets up to answer the door, shuffling over like he's a little stiff in his limbs, and when he finally opens the door there's nothing but relief that spreads across his features as he reaches out in an attempt to embrace the other man. ]
I couldn't find you in there — wherever the hell it was.
[ In anything like a normal situation, Poe wouldn't hesitate to immediately close the distance between them, unquestioning, relieved, and just overwhelmingly grateful that he's got Finn back in once piece. And he does feel all of those things, it hits him like a wave of unexpected emotion that been stifled while they were gone, as he slipped into something that, for someone else, might have been survival mode. Except his tended to tick toward the opposite end of the scale. He wasn't suicidal, but a casual observer could be forgiven for thinking that he was. He just had to find a way to cope, and that was to put up walls and turn to the tougher, battle-hardened side that cranks up the attitude.
It collapses like a house of cards in the look of relief that he's met with at the door. Every raw emotion he's felt since they vanished, he's not even sure how long it's been at this point, feels like it's coming back with a vengeance now, and at the same time he's painfully aware of just how badly his perception can be twisted around. How she could take things he wanted to see, and use that desire to make the illusion work.
And then again, the recent memory of another man with Finn's face is uncomfortably clear in his memories too. But that one wouldn't play games like this. He clearly wasn't the type.
He still won't flinch away from the embrace, and once he's got Finn in his arms he's not going to let go either, but that tension doesn't melt away the way it should. At least this close Finn probably won't notice the scattered faint lines of healed bruises that were angry and vivid not so long ago. ]
Are you alright?
[ He seems fine, Poe just needs to hear Finn say it. They can work on the details after. ]
[ He doesn't have any memory of what happened while he was gone — just a dull, muted world where nothing made sense, and he'd managed to locate Rey in the midst of it all but there'd been no sign of the third part that seems to have slotted into place before his surroundings tilted upside down with a mere glance at his own reflection.
It's a lot more for his senses to take in now when on the other side it had felt like he was living underwater, muffled sound including that of his own voice, but one thing he can almost lose himself in is the comfort of familiarity, warmth and scent and strength against his as they all but collapse on each other in the doorway. ]
Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay.
[ Better now, he thinks, even in the midst of his confusion; he withdraws with a hand gently braced beneath the crook of Poe's arm and then he's leading him inside, his instinct drawing them both over for a seat at the foot of one of the beds he's pushed together to form a semblance of a larger one. ]
I don't know what happened. It was like I was looking at myself, but there was someone else staring back at me on the other side, and then it felt like I was being... pulled in. [ He's still got his fingers lightly clutching onto Poe's forearm, a tether that almost keeps him grounded to this world again as he stares off at some distant point. ] And then it was like I was here, but everything was different. Changed.
[ Shock or no, it's strange to be led anywhere, but that's exactly what's happening when Finn draws him into the room. As intensely reluctant as he might be to let go, he's still grappling with a number of unpleasant emotions twisting around right next to all the ones he should have, and it's only Finn's familiar scent and warmth that keeps him from saying something impulsive that would make Finn feel terrible. None of this was his fault, obviously. Neither of them would have chosen to leave him behind, just like he would have gone with them if he'd known how, no matter where they went.
Finn hasn't stopped touching him, just like he hasn't released a similar grip further up Finn's own arm. It's an anchor they both seem to desperately need right now, as the pieces finally fall back into place where they belong.
He doesn't know what to say, and for once he's just quiet, listening to Finn, reaching up with his free hand to trace his fingers across Finn's jaw, just to be touching him somehow. Just to convince himself that this is all real. It was a lot easier not to let doubts like that gnaw at him until he was reminded that his perception can be manipulated, no matter how stubborn he is. It's been a challenge from the start, but this was something else.
Something much worse. ]
I was so worried about you.
[ He takes in a deeper breath, visibly trying to pull himself together as he lets that hand rest against the side of Finn's neck. ]
[ He takes in a deep breath, trying to figure out the best way for how to say this out loud, but his words fail him right away, especially in the wake of Poe's hand on his skin, warm and comforting; his eyes shutter closed for a second and he just releases a slow sigh, some of the tension leaving his shoulders in the wake of that contact.
After existing in a world where everything felt dull and muted, and being so numbed to any kind of touch, now it's like he's coming back to himself again with this and it's impossible for him not to lean into it, to try and seek it out more. ]
I had to find this... this thing. I don't really know who it was, or what it looked like, but I could tell it was me, somehow. Different. But still me.
[ His eyes open slowly and now it's a fight for him to even look at Poe directly, struggling to meet his gaze; he looks down at his hands instead, smoothing his palms over his knees. ] I had to kill it to get out. It, or myself, or whatever it was, this person that was me but wasn't me. I didn't want to, but it was like I knew I had to.
[ Poe needs to let him talk. He knows that, somehow, even if Finn's not exactly stumbling over his words to get them out, it's important that he knows. And yet the more Finn tries to speak, the less Poe wants to talk. Maybe it's just the past few days finally settling in, in ways that they just hadn't previously, maybe he's just that worried about Finn that he wants to show him that he's here. That they're both here. And maybe he needs to convince himself too, in the only ways he really knows how.
Rather than stop Finn from talking, which has always been his typical move, he's lifting both hands to touch Finn's face, his fingertips trailing over those cheekbones first, his palms warm on Finn's cheeks. Then down along his jawline, working back toward his ears, and it's around then that he's leaning in closer, close enough to press kisses along lines his fingers have traced, brief, light things without any tease of tongue or playful sucking. But he's still listening, very intently in fact.
It wasn't that long, only a matter of days separated all said and done, and Poe refused to think that Finn would be gone for any significant length of time, and still the ache was there, and he's only just now realizing how deep it really went. ]
If I knew...
[ That's not a path they need to go down. If Poe could have found a way to bring Finn back, if he could have spared him any of that, of course he would have done it without a moment of hesitation. But he didn't. No one knew. He reluctantly drifts back from the kisses to look at Finn properly, though he's not about to stop touching. ]
But I wasn't there, right? Not even a... different me?
[ He would have led with that if there had been, wouldn't he? But Poe has to ask. ]
[ It is a touch that grounds him, but it honestly serves to make him equally distracted — not in a way he wants to shrink from, hardly that, but he's definitely starting to lose track of what he's thinking about, what he had to go through, in favor of what's sitting in front of him right here and now, touching him, kissing him, like Poe has every intention of recommitting his face to memory beneath hands and mouth and for a second Finn just lets his eyes fall shut and leans into it all, releasing a shuddering breath. ]
No, you couldn't've. I didn't know how to get back right away and it wasn't until I realized all of us in there were dealing with the same thing that I figured out... what we had to do to come back.
[ He finally opens his eyes and looks over at the other man, shaking his head solemnly. The truth is that he'd found Rey, although that hadn't been until the very end, but he hadn't managed to come across any sign of Poe there and this, right here, having him returned, is a reminder of what he'd been fighting for — to get back to him, to get back to them. ]
This is the first time I've seen you since... it feels like forever ago, now. [ Not as long as he'd dwelled in this city without him, but close to it; he reaches out to gently close his fingers around Poe's forearm and then draws the other man's hand up to press his lips into the center of his palm, kisses trailing down to the inside of his wrist. ]
It's more than just missing, without you. It's like I'm missing a piece of myself.
[ Those first few touches are light, almost reflexive, but as one smoothly slides into another, and then another, joined by similarly gentle presses of his lips against Finn's face, it seems to evoke a an increasingly obvious need that Poe wasn't even fully aware of until it starts to permeate every brush of contact. Even if he'd been trying to count he would have lost track of how many times he's let his hands wander like this, how many times he's nuzzled Finn's ear or trailed kisses along his cheekbones, curled up close with him in bed or on the couch, sometimes with nothing but instinctive affection and a desire for intimacy, other times with much more intense passions in mind. He's certain that they both need it now more than ever.
He was expecting the wave of relief, of regret and lingering frustration over the fact that he was ultimately powerless to do anything to help bring them back together, and he probably would have been even if his efforts hadn't been concentrated on enduring his own problems in the meantime. He wasn't expecting the longing, the ache of an absence felt in Finn's voice to hurt at much as it does. It's not just one thing but several, which combine to make it feel even sharper, even though the kisses Finn trails along his palm and wrist go toward soothing it.
He's terrible at hiding anything, he's aware of that, probably least of all from Finn at this point. They'll have to sift through all of those aches, probably sooner rather than later. How many times has Finn fussed him for not saying anything when he should have? ]
I know. [ How could he not? As easy as he might be to read, Finn's always been so open and genuine, the thought that he could even be capable of hiding anything hadn't even occurred to him. And, obviously, it's a feeling he can relate to. ] I've felt that way ever since the day we met, but even then, it felt like... like I'd been missing you forever and I just didn't know.
[ He'll let Finn hold onto his hand as long as he wants to, but he will use t he other to tilt Finn's face back toward his own for a soft, lingering kiss. There's nothing he can do to change the fact that they've lost too much time to various circumstances, but that's never stopped him from trying to make up for it. ]
[ They've joked before about the first time they met, about the desperate circumstances that had led Finn to call on the help of a First Order prisoner because he needed someone capable enough to fly him out — but how much of that had been an act of self-preservation and how much of it had been some kind of innate understanding that this was someone he wanted, or even needed, to be with?
He's never forgotten how right it felt to sit in that shared cockpit, even in the midst of his own fear that they might not pull this off, and to have Poe fighting at his back — and he'll never take what followed for granted, especially since it led to a friendship and a name that would come to define him even more than his time in the Order ever did.
Now, though, he knows it's built to something more; there's no denying how right it feels when Poe touches him, how easy it is to sink into the caresses of his hands, how he could just tug the other man into bed and refuse to come up for air for hours and it would be the closest thing to home he's ever had. But if there's something weighing on Poe's mind, he isn't able to pick up on it, not when it feels like he's finally starting to wake up again after days of living in some dull, muted world. ]
I —
[ He's about to deliver the words that have become something else new between them, confess all over again to the love he knows he has with every fiber of his being, but then Poe's leaning in to kiss him and he gives up trying to say anything else at all, at least for now. Instead, he might be more focused on tipping them both back against the bed while preserving that kiss, his other free hand lifting to mimic Poe's against the side of his face, and this time there's not desperation in it so much as devotion, pure and simple and unfiltered and swelling in his chest, spelled out in the way he groans softly into it, deepens it with a tilt of his head. ]
[ Poe's more than willing to sink back into the bed with Finn as long as they're still tangled up together. If anything it allows them to get even closer, seeing as he wastes no time in nudging a leg in between Finn's own, securely notching them together without trying to roll them around into a position that would work better for other things. He's fond of pressing Finn onto his back, or his chest, whether he's settling himself between Finn's legs or straddling them instead, but it's not always about the sex, even if they end up there often. Right now Poe's absorbed in the moment even more than usual, something which he feels from Finn too, rather than thinking at all about where it'll lead them.
That kiss lacks for nothing in passion though, and it takes a while for Poe to be willing to break from it, even if they both need to get a deep breath in at some point. That's the pause where words can filter back in, as his forehead tips against Finn's, still so close that their breaths mingle, fingers curled against the back of the his neck, just holding him there. Maybe just a little tighter than usual, as if Finn might slip away from him if he lets go.
He knew he needed this, that they both would, but it's another thing to feel it like this. As all the built up tension unwinds and it's just the two of them he doesn't have to hold on so tight to the facade that he's fine, he's not worried about admitting to Finn, whether in so many words or not, that he does need it. He can bare those vulnerabilities with Finn and Rey in ways that he just couldn't with anyone else. ]
Finn, I... There's some things I've got to tell you about. About what happened here while you were gone.
[ Not necessarily now, he's not pushing, but he has to say that much at least. Maybe because he's not sure he'll still find it in him to say so later if he lets himself sink into the reassurance of just having Finn and Rey back with him. It would be all too easy to think that they're just better off not knowing, but he knows it wouldn't be fair to keep it from them. He wouldn't want them to if this has been the other way around. ]
[ It's a kiss he wants to sink into without necessarily leading it into anything else right away; he kisses Poe to make up for every single day, every hour he wasn't here to do it before, and even if he doesn't plan on this becoming more than a series of hot, deep kisses there's no way Poe's going to be able to miss his body's most obvious reaction to it against the nudge of a thigh between his, a hard curve of muscle for him to gently jut his hips into, slow and unmotivated but still making it plain that he wants to be pressed against every part of him with no space left in between.
He can hear the sigh from himself when Poe breaks the kiss to nudge their foreheads together, but his eyes are still closed, his fingers curving a partial grip in the ends of Poe's hair and the collar of his shirt at the same time, and he realizes he'd be content to linger just like this, both of them holding onto each other while occasionally indulging in more heated slants of their mouths, taking breaks when they need to.
But then Poe says what he does and Finn's eyes snap open, and he doesn't fully retreat but he does pull back enough to be able to look the other man in the eye, a frown settling over the features of his expression. ]
Wait, what? Did something happen?
[ As much as he could lose himself in everything they're doing right here and now, this sounds important enough to discuss, and it's too vague for him to even venture a guess as to what it could be about but he's not willing to leave it undiscussed unless Poe's distinctly feeling like not talking. If that's the case, he won't press the issue, but he's not going to pretend he hasn't heard Poe say anything at all. ]
[ The relaxed moments where they just wrap themselves around each other, pressing into slow, lazy kisses and idle caresses, mean just as much to Poe as anything they do when they're eagerly stripping off clothes and going at it like a couple of horny teenagers. He'd thought that he was past that stage, but being with Finn has made him feel all kinds of new things. It's still different now, he's all about the intimacy wherever they get it, whether it's this or just clasped hands and leaning against each other or much more intense expressions of how they feel about each other. So it's not really any surprise that he's intensely regretful that he can't just soak in all of this sorely needed affection and love and relief.
He can't hide it though, can he? Finn's always been able to see straight through his attempts, weak as they usually are, at acting like nothing's on his mind, sometimes he's just considerate enough not to press the issue, typically preferring to wait until Poe comes around on his own. And it always happens, sooner or later, because he's that bad at keeping anything bottled up for long. And he's terrible at letting anything go.
It's not good. Finn can probably guess as much from the way Poe's eyes only meet his for a couple of seconds before they're closing, and he sighs. He's not letting go, not by a long shot, but he's got a sinking feeling that he might have to, despite it being the last thing he wants to do right now.
Better just to get it out. It's not going to get any easier. ]
What you saw in the mirror, he was here while you were trapped over there.
[ The mirror thing makes more sense now. It really was a reflection that was completely reversed, taking everything that makes Finn Finn and twisting it beyond recognition. ]
[ It's beyond appealing to think about the possibility of just losing himself in this for a few hours, reminding himself of everything he'd been fighting to get back to the whole time he was stuck in a world he knew he didn't belong in. But he can't shove aside the reality that he's presented with when Poe starts looking like that, something almost like exhaustion laden in his features. He's not going to ignore the truth that seems to be hovering been them, making the air feel heavier than it really is. He can't press forward and pretend that nothing's wrong.
And he gets all the confirmation he needs that his instincts are correct when Poe sighs like that, eyes drifting shut; he props himself up onto one elbow, leaning in close with a frown. They're still mostly linked, threaded together, and he can practically feel every line of tension traveling through Poe's frame, everything he's still holding in. It's just now dawning on him that whatever this is has been weighing on Poe the entire time and this is the first chance he's really been close enough to even pick up on it. ]
You mean that — wait. You saw him?
[ Almost immediately he's conflicted about the idea that Poe would have seen someone who had looked like him but very obviously wasn't him, let alone interacted with him — and he can't explain why the idea of that leaves him unsettled too, but he's not relinquishing what hold he has on Poe now, fingers lightly curling around his wrist. ]
I didn't even think about the possibility that he could've been here the entire time, but I was looking for a way to get back and then it was like I found him all of a sudden.
[ Seeing the look on Finn's face makes it difficult to remember why it's so important to tell him this in the first place. Poe has to remind himself, again, of how he would feel if their positions were reversed. He wouldn't want Finn to have to deal with it on his own, and even if he wanted to write all of that off as a bad dream, it happened. He might not even be the only one who remembers it. It's probably likely that at least a few people in the Down will recognize Finn's face now after the very public spectacle they made out of that confrontation. But at least it hadn't been in one of the Up neighborhoods, where that kind of flagrant attack on a Dominant wouldn't go unreported. As it is, he figures Finn might be getting some odd looks from strangers on the street, at the very least.
He also wonders, considering Finn's tone, if he's feeling a bit of the same kind of thing that he felt when he realized that he's been here before. Thinking too much about alternate timelines and different universes still gives him a headache, but it did boil down to an unease over the whole thing. And that had been with a different 'him' who seemed normal.
This is different. ]
Yeah. We didn't get along very well.
[ His tone is dry, it's obviously that he's not intentionally trying to downplay it. This is the kind of 'not getting along' that he would use in reference to the likes of the First Order. Which, yeah, not a coincidence. He's propped up on an elbow to face Finn now, settling his hand lightly against Finn's cheek, fingers splayed out across his jaw. He hates this, but he definitely can't leave it there now. ]
Finn, I don't know how any of this happened or why, but you should know that he might have had your face, but he wasn't you. I mean, not even in some kind of weird 'we never escaped from the First Order' way. He was... [ And there's another sigh, frustration at trying to find the right words. ] He was just a different person who happened to look like you, and nothing that he did here is your fault.
[ Does he need to mention how deeply disturbing it was to deal with someone so cold with what looked like the same face he's touching fondly now? Maybe not. ]
[ And as reluctant as he is to tear himself away from all of this, the comfort that he feels from even just getting to touch and be touched — it's a simple thing and one that most people probably don't even think about, but something he'd gone without for so long throughout most of his life and now doesn't take for granted any time he gets to have it — he's still sitting up to mull over everything Poe's saying to him right now, drawing his knees up toward himself and resting his forearms on them. ]
Part of me knows that what everything you're saying has got to be true, but then — he was me. I felt it from him, on the other side, when I knew what I had to do in order to get out. He's... if I made one decision, or even a handful of decisions, any differently than I did. I could've been him.
[ And that's what unnerves him most of all, the fact that the scales could have tipped in the opposite direction at any time and he could have become the person who never escaped from all of that. It's an unsettling thought to have, especially when he realizes that this doppelganger, this other version of himself, encountered Poe to some degree. With a jerk, he turns to face the other man. ]
Did he hurt you? He didn't — if anything happened to you and I wasn't here to stop it — [ The apology is already in his expression, even if he's not saying it out loud just yet. ]
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[ the same mirror he'd been sucked into at the start, although he's still trying to deal with the fact that everything is so bright here, and vivid. like someone's turned all the lights on again. he'll be sitting at the foot of his bed by the time poe even arrives, one hand lightly rubbing over the top of his head as he leans forward to try and get his bearings again, half-dressed with his arms resting on his knees.
slowly, he gets up to answer the door, shuffling over like he's a little stiff in his limbs, and when he finally opens the door there's nothing but relief that spreads across his features as he reaches out in an attempt to embrace the other man. ]
I couldn't find you in there — wherever the hell it was.
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It collapses like a house of cards in the look of relief that he's met with at the door. Every raw emotion he's felt since they vanished, he's not even sure how long it's been at this point, feels like it's coming back with a vengeance now, and at the same time he's painfully aware of just how badly his perception can be twisted around. How she could take things he wanted to see, and use that desire to make the illusion work.
And then again, the recent memory of another man with Finn's face is uncomfortably clear in his memories too. But that one wouldn't play games like this. He clearly wasn't the type.
He still won't flinch away from the embrace, and once he's got Finn in his arms he's not going to let go either, but that tension doesn't melt away the way it should. At least this close Finn probably won't notice the scattered faint lines of healed bruises that were angry and vivid not so long ago. ]
Are you alright?
[ He seems fine, Poe just needs to hear Finn say it. They can work on the details after. ]
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It's a lot more for his senses to take in now when on the other side it had felt like he was living underwater, muffled sound including that of his own voice, but one thing he can almost lose himself in is the comfort of familiarity, warmth and scent and strength against his as they all but collapse on each other in the doorway. ]
Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay.
[ Better now, he thinks, even in the midst of his confusion; he withdraws with a hand gently braced beneath the crook of Poe's arm and then he's leading him inside, his instinct drawing them both over for a seat at the foot of one of the beds he's pushed together to form a semblance of a larger one. ]
I don't know what happened. It was like I was looking at myself, but there was someone else staring back at me on the other side, and then it felt like I was being... pulled in. [ He's still got his fingers lightly clutching onto Poe's forearm, a tether that almost keeps him grounded to this world again as he stares off at some distant point. ] And then it was like I was here, but everything was different. Changed.
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Finn hasn't stopped touching him, just like he hasn't released a similar grip further up Finn's own arm. It's an anchor they both seem to desperately need right now, as the pieces finally fall back into place where they belong.
He doesn't know what to say, and for once he's just quiet, listening to Finn, reaching up with his free hand to trace his fingers across Finn's jaw, just to be touching him somehow. Just to convince himself that this is all real. It was a lot easier not to let doubts like that gnaw at him until he was reminded that his perception can be manipulated, no matter how stubborn he is. It's been a challenge from the start, but this was something else.
Something much worse. ]
I was so worried about you.
[ He takes in a deeper breath, visibly trying to pull himself together as he lets that hand rest against the side of Finn's neck. ]
How did you get back?
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[ He takes in a deep breath, trying to figure out the best way for how to say this out loud, but his words fail him right away, especially in the wake of Poe's hand on his skin, warm and comforting; his eyes shutter closed for a second and he just releases a slow sigh, some of the tension leaving his shoulders in the wake of that contact.
After existing in a world where everything felt dull and muted, and being so numbed to any kind of touch, now it's like he's coming back to himself again with this and it's impossible for him not to lean into it, to try and seek it out more. ]
I had to find this... this thing. I don't really know who it was, or what it looked like, but I could tell it was me, somehow. Different. But still me.
[ His eyes open slowly and now it's a fight for him to even look at Poe directly, struggling to meet his gaze; he looks down at his hands instead, smoothing his palms over his knees. ] I had to kill it to get out. It, or myself, or whatever it was, this person that was me but wasn't me. I didn't want to, but it was like I knew I had to.
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Rather than stop Finn from talking, which has always been his typical move, he's lifting both hands to touch Finn's face, his fingertips trailing over those cheekbones first, his palms warm on Finn's cheeks. Then down along his jawline, working back toward his ears, and it's around then that he's leaning in closer, close enough to press kisses along lines his fingers have traced, brief, light things without any tease of tongue or playful sucking. But he's still listening, very intently in fact.
It wasn't that long, only a matter of days separated all said and done, and Poe refused to think that Finn would be gone for any significant length of time, and still the ache was there, and he's only just now realizing how deep it really went. ]
If I knew...
[ That's not a path they need to go down. If Poe could have found a way to bring Finn back, if he could have spared him any of that, of course he would have done it without a moment of hesitation. But he didn't. No one knew. He reluctantly drifts back from the kisses to look at Finn properly, though he's not about to stop touching. ]
But I wasn't there, right? Not even a... different me?
[ He would have led with that if there had been, wouldn't he? But Poe has to ask. ]
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No, you couldn't've. I didn't know how to get back right away and it wasn't until I realized all of us in there were dealing with the same thing that I figured out... what we had to do to come back.
[ He finally opens his eyes and looks over at the other man, shaking his head solemnly. The truth is that he'd found Rey, although that hadn't been until the very end, but he hadn't managed to come across any sign of Poe there and this, right here, having him returned, is a reminder of what he'd been fighting for — to get back to him, to get back to them. ]
This is the first time I've seen you since... it feels like forever ago, now. [ Not as long as he'd dwelled in this city without him, but close to it; he reaches out to gently close his fingers around Poe's forearm and then draws the other man's hand up to press his lips into the center of his palm, kisses trailing down to the inside of his wrist. ]
It's more than just missing, without you. It's like I'm missing a piece of myself.
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He was expecting the wave of relief, of regret and lingering frustration over the fact that he was ultimately powerless to do anything to help bring them back together, and he probably would have been even if his efforts hadn't been concentrated on enduring his own problems in the meantime. He wasn't expecting the longing, the ache of an absence felt in Finn's voice to hurt at much as it does. It's not just one thing but several, which combine to make it feel even sharper, even though the kisses Finn trails along his palm and wrist go toward soothing it.
He's terrible at hiding anything, he's aware of that, probably least of all from Finn at this point. They'll have to sift through all of those aches, probably sooner rather than later. How many times has Finn fussed him for not saying anything when he should have? ]
I know. [ How could he not? As easy as he might be to read, Finn's always been so open and genuine, the thought that he could even be capable of hiding anything hadn't even occurred to him. And, obviously, it's a feeling he can relate to. ] I've felt that way ever since the day we met, but even then, it felt like... like I'd been missing you forever and I just didn't know.
[ He'll let Finn hold onto his hand as long as he wants to, but he will use t he other to tilt Finn's face back toward his own for a soft, lingering kiss. There's nothing he can do to change the fact that they've lost too much time to various circumstances, but that's never stopped him from trying to make up for it. ]
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He's never forgotten how right it felt to sit in that shared cockpit, even in the midst of his own fear that they might not pull this off, and to have Poe fighting at his back — and he'll never take what followed for granted, especially since it led to a friendship and a name that would come to define him even more than his time in the Order ever did.
Now, though, he knows it's built to something more; there's no denying how right it feels when Poe touches him, how easy it is to sink into the caresses of his hands, how he could just tug the other man into bed and refuse to come up for air for hours and it would be the closest thing to home he's ever had. But if there's something weighing on Poe's mind, he isn't able to pick up on it, not when it feels like he's finally starting to wake up again after days of living in some dull, muted world. ]
I —
[ He's about to deliver the words that have become something else new between them, confess all over again to the love he knows he has with every fiber of his being, but then Poe's leaning in to kiss him and he gives up trying to say anything else at all, at least for now. Instead, he might be more focused on tipping them both back against the bed while preserving that kiss, his other free hand lifting to mimic Poe's against the side of his face, and this time there's not desperation in it so much as devotion, pure and simple and unfiltered and swelling in his chest, spelled out in the way he groans softly into it, deepens it with a tilt of his head. ]
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That kiss lacks for nothing in passion though, and it takes a while for Poe to be willing to break from it, even if they both need to get a deep breath in at some point. That's the pause where words can filter back in, as his forehead tips against Finn's, still so close that their breaths mingle, fingers curled against the back of the his neck, just holding him there. Maybe just a little tighter than usual, as if Finn might slip away from him if he lets go.
He knew he needed this, that they both would, but it's another thing to feel it like this. As all the built up tension unwinds and it's just the two of them he doesn't have to hold on so tight to the facade that he's fine, he's not worried about admitting to Finn, whether in so many words or not, that he does need it. He can bare those vulnerabilities with Finn and Rey in ways that he just couldn't with anyone else. ]
Finn, I... There's some things I've got to tell you about. About what happened here while you were gone.
[ Not necessarily now, he's not pushing, but he has to say that much at least. Maybe because he's not sure he'll still find it in him to say so later if he lets himself sink into the reassurance of just having Finn and Rey back with him. It would be all too easy to think that they're just better off not knowing, but he knows it wouldn't be fair to keep it from them. He wouldn't want them to if this has been the other way around. ]
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He can hear the sigh from himself when Poe breaks the kiss to nudge their foreheads together, but his eyes are still closed, his fingers curving a partial grip in the ends of Poe's hair and the collar of his shirt at the same time, and he realizes he'd be content to linger just like this, both of them holding onto each other while occasionally indulging in more heated slants of their mouths, taking breaks when they need to.
But then Poe says what he does and Finn's eyes snap open, and he doesn't fully retreat but he does pull back enough to be able to look the other man in the eye, a frown settling over the features of his expression. ]
Wait, what? Did something happen?
[ As much as he could lose himself in everything they're doing right here and now, this sounds important enough to discuss, and it's too vague for him to even venture a guess as to what it could be about but he's not willing to leave it undiscussed unless Poe's distinctly feeling like not talking. If that's the case, he won't press the issue, but he's not going to pretend he hasn't heard Poe say anything at all. ]
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He can't hide it though, can he? Finn's always been able to see straight through his attempts, weak as they usually are, at acting like nothing's on his mind, sometimes he's just considerate enough not to press the issue, typically preferring to wait until Poe comes around on his own. And it always happens, sooner or later, because he's that bad at keeping anything bottled up for long. And he's terrible at letting anything go.
It's not good. Finn can probably guess as much from the way Poe's eyes only meet his for a couple of seconds before they're closing, and he sighs. He's not letting go, not by a long shot, but he's got a sinking feeling that he might have to, despite it being the last thing he wants to do right now.
Better just to get it out. It's not going to get any easier. ]
What you saw in the mirror, he was here while you were trapped over there.
[ The mirror thing makes more sense now. It really was a reflection that was completely reversed, taking everything that makes Finn Finn and twisting it beyond recognition. ]
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And he gets all the confirmation he needs that his instincts are correct when Poe sighs like that, eyes drifting shut; he props himself up onto one elbow, leaning in close with a frown. They're still mostly linked, threaded together, and he can practically feel every line of tension traveling through Poe's frame, everything he's still holding in. It's just now dawning on him that whatever this is has been weighing on Poe the entire time and this is the first chance he's really been close enough to even pick up on it. ]
You mean that — wait. You saw him?
[ Almost immediately he's conflicted about the idea that Poe would have seen someone who had looked like him but very obviously wasn't him, let alone interacted with him — and he can't explain why the idea of that leaves him unsettled too, but he's not relinquishing what hold he has on Poe now, fingers lightly curling around his wrist. ]
I didn't even think about the possibility that he could've been here the entire time, but I was looking for a way to get back and then it was like I found him all of a sudden.
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He also wonders, considering Finn's tone, if he's feeling a bit of the same kind of thing that he felt when he realized that he's been here before. Thinking too much about alternate timelines and different universes still gives him a headache, but it did boil down to an unease over the whole thing. And that had been with a different 'him' who seemed normal.
This is different. ]
Yeah. We didn't get along very well.
[ His tone is dry, it's obviously that he's not intentionally trying to downplay it. This is the kind of 'not getting along' that he would use in reference to the likes of the First Order. Which, yeah, not a coincidence. He's propped up on an elbow to face Finn now, settling his hand lightly against Finn's cheek, fingers splayed out across his jaw. He hates this, but he definitely can't leave it there now. ]
Finn, I don't know how any of this happened or why, but you should know that he might have had your face, but he wasn't you. I mean, not even in some kind of weird 'we never escaped from the First Order' way. He was... [ And there's another sigh, frustration at trying to find the right words. ] He was just a different person who happened to look like you, and nothing that he did here is your fault.
[ Does he need to mention how deeply disturbing it was to deal with someone so cold with what looked like the same face he's touching fondly now? Maybe not. ]
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[ And as reluctant as he is to tear himself away from all of this, the comfort that he feels from even just getting to touch and be touched — it's a simple thing and one that most people probably don't even think about, but something he'd gone without for so long throughout most of his life and now doesn't take for granted any time he gets to have it — he's still sitting up to mull over everything Poe's saying to him right now, drawing his knees up toward himself and resting his forearms on them. ]
Part of me knows that what everything you're saying has got to be true, but then — he was me. I felt it from him, on the other side, when I knew what I had to do in order to get out. He's... if I made one decision, or even a handful of decisions, any differently than I did. I could've been him.
[ And that's what unnerves him most of all, the fact that the scales could have tipped in the opposite direction at any time and he could have become the person who never escaped from all of that. It's an unsettling thought to have, especially when he realizes that this doppelganger, this other version of himself, encountered Poe to some degree. With a jerk, he turns to face the other man. ]
Did he hurt you? He didn't — if anything happened to you and I wasn't here to stop it — [ The apology is already in his expression, even if he's not saying it out loud just yet. ]